Celebrating women

I did the St. Luke's Women Celebration 5k yesterday morning. Ran most of it and probably would've run all of it had it not been for my running buddies, Anita and her daughter stopping a few times. That's okay though because we had a lot of fun. I think next year if we do it again, we'll do the timed race. This was just a non-timed section we were in and so it didn't matter how long we took to run it. Today Kyle and I signed up for the Barber to Boise 10k together. He wanted to do a run with me finally. He was saying how I do all these little runs and he thought maybe he'd like to do one too. So we are doing that one on October 17th. My City of Trees half marathon is this coming Sunday. I'm nervous but I'll be okay. I'll probably just have to stop a lot to walk since I didn't train nearly as much as I did last year. Maybe that's what will happen but then again, maybe the adrenaline push will get me to go further. Who knows?

Tragedy strikes

A senior at our school was killed this morning on the way to school. He had a head-on collision with a school bus. He crossed over the yellow line and smacked into the driver side bumper of the bus and thus, killing the boy at the scene. Shawn Heckathorn was wearing his seat belt and his airbag deployed but it made no difference. We haven't yet learned the cause of him driving over the yellow line (i.e. texting or whatever else might cause the minor distraction). I'm sure we'll learn soon once the investigation is complete. There were kids crying all over the school. What's a weird connection is there were was a boy that drowned this summer in a canal and the boy happened to be Shawn's best friend. The drowned boy's sister was planning on going to the Homecoming dance with Shawn this coming month. Another sad thing that I heard today at our emergency staff meeting was that Shawn's sister came in today to collect his stuff out of his PE locker and school locker. How devastating. The family is also hurting for money. The dad has a heart condition and hasn't been working lately and they've been collecting bills like there's no tomorrow. I didn't know this boy personally but I can't even imagine the hurt that his family and friends are feeling right now. His life was way too short.

Worst weekend of my life...but I'm getting over it.

I had a bad weekend at class. Here's the rundown of it and then I'm gonna show you what a person responded back to me after I told her what had happened (she's also in the program but I thought she would've been on my side). Apparently, if your skin is brown, you're able to talk about the issue of racism without being called a "racist".


My initial message telling her what happened after she had asked why I was upset (online):
I was explaining to Arturo about what I've been doing within my class to address the issue of my kids calling out racist to their teachers and at random inanimate objects (like a composition book being sewn upside down--seriously) and the fact that they called me racist already just because I might reprimand them for something like disrupting class or something that a teacher is supposed to do in order to have good instructional time, as well as some other stuff that's been going down and he said that since I was white, blonde and tall, it's not fair that I tell them that stuff. In so many words. It really hurt me. I took it as him saying that I don't have the right to talk about race since I'm white. IN MY OWN CLASSROOM.

I'm trying to do some of the same stuff they encourage us to do all the time in our master's classes and yet he tells me I can't do this particular thing because I'm white. Fine. I'll just let my kids yell out stuff at each other (wetback, beaner, etc) because since I'm white, I don't have a right to stop them from saying hurtful things to each other. That's not what I'm going to do but that's sure how I felt after having things like that said to me from a person with a Ph.D. Anyway, that's what happened. :(

I'm extremely hurt right now and I'm going to file a complaint. I just think that's what I need to do.


Classmate response:
The kids who you reprimanded were brown or black? because that may be the reason why they call you (and the other teachers) racist. i remember a mexican girl i interviewed for a class told me that she has grown very susceptible to any sign of intentional or unintentional racism so i see why your children say that. And i suppose the fact you're white and blond makes it more difficult for your students to understand that you're not racist (Peter McLaren told us during the summer institute about the many times in his classes of critical pedagogy students of different races just stood up and shouted at him he had no right to talk about race and discrimination because he's white). i don't think arturo meant you couldn't teach because you're white but that students from different races believe you can't teach about racism because you're white (especially if they are marginalized and are rebellious about that). of course you have the right to address name calling but i suppose your students think you can't address racism because you haven't been discriminated like they have so you don't have authority to address that topic.


My response back at her:
All of my students are brown. They're high school kids who occasionally act up in class (like any kids--white, black, asian, etc). Am I not allowed to reprimand them if they're being disrespectful/misbehaving in class because I'm afraid they'll call me a racist? Doesn't seem fair. :(

What I don't understand though is that I'm trying to have an open dialogue with my students (which is what this program promotes ALL the TIME) about some issues they're facing, and then I get shot down and told that I don't have a right to do this because I'm white. I guess that means that I just need to tell my kids that I can't discuss these things with them because I'm white and don't understand hurt. I also wanted to tell him that I've made great gains (or at least I think so) in the fact that I have decreased the amount of times my kids call each other "beaner" and "wetback" because I told them that it's language of impossibility and I want language of possibility. However, I didn't get the chance. They say stuff like, "we do this because we're 'beaners' and 'wetbacks' and 'mexicans'".

Anyway, I'm not getting angry and I'm probably not going to send a letter just yet. I just didn't appreciate having my race thrown in my face (by a professor who supposedly people are to look up to) because I was trying to have a dialogue with my students. I refuse to let a "teachable moment" go by and just say, "Oh, I have nothing to say on that because I'm white."


Be mindful that the more I talk about this, the better I feel--it's therapy. This is making me feel much better and it'll probably be pretty much the last time I talk about it. Oh and by the way, I have another friend who's white but she's from Bosnia and she constantly was harassed and discriminated against in classrooms because of her accent and whatnot...Tell me she doesn't feel hurt and pain (even though she's got white skin).

:) :)

Hey! Just thought I'd say hello. I've got a busy week ahead of me still--school, master's class on Friday and Saturday and planning for next week (although I think some of this week's lessons will be overflowing to next week. I gave my first test and graded them and the kids didn't do so hot. They were a little shocked to get their tests back today which was a good thing to be shocked. I told my kids in 4th period (I'll have to tell my 1st and 2nd period) that I will see how they do on the other tests and if they do better on those, I'll drop the lowest grade at the end of the semester. :) We'll see if that gives them the incentive needed to improve their performance in the classroom.


Sudden change of subject: Books I want to read soon:
Her Fearful Symmetry - Audrey Niffenegger
Stones from the River - Ursula Hegi
The Lost Symbol - Dan Brown

That's all for now.

Racism vs. Discrimination

Do you know the difference between racism and discrimination? Apparently, my kids don't and they're the ones who will probably see it on a daily basis for the rest of their lives (unfortunately). Anyway, lately my kids have been calling anything and everything racist. They've been throwing it around like a beach ball to the point of the word losing it's strength and meaning. Racist is a very strong word to play around with and you aren't supposed to just throw it around like they do! I'm going to come up with a lesson on the two terms/concepts and discuss with them the importance of the words. They've already called me racist and I'm just not going to put up with that. I don't doubt that they've seen these things in action toward them at all. I believe they've experienced it more than they care to say but I'm here to tell them that if I were a racist, I wouldn't be in that room everyday, staying til 7pm sometimes trying to come up with lessons to teach their butts! If this school were really racist, they wouldn't even be admitted into classes or even allowed into the school. If this school were really racist, they wouldn't be allowed to eat in the same cafeteria as the other white students. If this school were really racist, they wouldn't be riding the same buses. I'm going to try and make the point that calling "racist" (like calling "wolf") is not something to be messing with and it will definitely put people off. I know these kids have definitely made me a little irritated at them by them calling themselves "wetbacks" and "beaners" and I'm not going to have that at all. It's a way to pull each other down and there's no excuse for that AT ALL!!! I asked them the other day why it was okay to call each other that and if somebody else said it to them what would happen? They said they'd beat the people up if they called them those names, so why is it okay for other Mexicans to call their own people that? It's such a frustrating thing to me. Why do we feel like we can own words? It's not right. One adult told me that it's because it's a way of showing the whites all of the oppression that was directed towards them and so it's a way of saying, "Look what you did to us!" Okay, that is a sad way of putting it but can't we also move on and get past that and start fresh? If you keep calling your own people those derogatory terms, are you ever going to overcome the oppression? I keep thinking about the signs in pictures during the time of MLK, Jr. that said "We Shall Overcome!" Is that going to happen if groups keep calling their own people these names? I think not.

I will update later, promise

I haven't updated lately but I will later. I promise. We've just made it through the first full week of school and warmly welcomed the Labor Day weekend. Now that it's gone, we have a four day week to get through and try to make it productive. I have a test I have to give the kids later in the week. I also have open house tomorrow night as well as a faculty meeting in the afternoon so it looks like I won't be getting home tomorrow til about 9pm or so. Then it's straight to bed for me! I'll be exhausted. I've been telling Kyle though that it's a different kind of exhaustion than when I was working with Rowland. It's a satisfied exhaustion. I feel as if I'm truly doing what I want to do. I know it's still early in the year but I think I was having negative feelings at the beginning of the school year for Rowland and so far, I haven't had any of those here. Good sign? I think so. I did have an incident this Friday that really pissed me off concerning a couple of girls getting out of class and taking advantage of an aide but I really don't want to get into it right now. Too long of a story but I think I've figured out what I'm gonna do about it tomorrow and it starts with a stern talking to. They basically broke my trust in them and it'll take awhile to get it back. Anyway, I need to get a lot of sleep tonight since tomorrow's gonna be a long one. I'll update later, promise.



By the way, I'm reading a new book (as if I have time to read but I think it's part of me telling myself to let loose for a bit) and it's called "The Doctor's Wife" by Elizabeth Brundage. It's good. I recommend it if you like psychological thrillers.

No time to eat and not that hungry.

Surprisingly even though I've been under a whole bunch of stress, I haven't been eating nearly as much as I usually do when I'm under stress. I think it's because I don't have time to eat as much. There's a vending machine in the teacher lounge but I avoid that thing like the plague. I know once I go down that road, there's no hope for me. :) Anyway, I do get hungry about 4th period right before lunch and when it's lunch, even the smallest amount of food that I bring is just enough. That's surprising to me because I used to wolf down food and then still be hungry. There's so many things I have to think about now and so I just don't even think about food and naturally, I've been going for the healthier foods such as going for celery/peanut butter for a snack or a piece of fruit instead of going straight for a junk food item. I'm happy about that. Planning's been going okay but I've gotta be on my toes when it comes to sending off for copies to be made. It takes the lady about 4 days or so to get them done and delivered back to the school. I have to plan a week ahead just in case. GEEZ. That's a lot of brain power! Anyway, so far pretty good with most everything. My study skills class is a little chaotic so I have to add a little more structure to it. The kids like to get a little rowdy in that class. Not good but most of the kids are good kids and pretty nice to me.


I've never been this tired in a very long, long time.